Burning Memories
by catgurl83
Summary: Doctor Romano gets a call that brings the past back into his life and memories. The rating is for later chapters. Chapter 7 is the only R rated chapter. A summary of 7 is posted at the beginning of chapter8. Please RR.
1. Returning Desolation

Disclaimer: They aren't mine no matter how hard I wish it. I am so not worth suing, trust me. :-)  
  
Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Burning Memories  
  
Feedback: Please, please, please. My e-mail address is catgurl83@yahoo.com Feedback keeps me motivated to write quickly.  
  
Summary: This is a story about Robert Romano. I guess you could say that it is sort of AU.  
  
Author's notes: I am in the process of editing and re-posting the first several chapters of this story.  
  
This story goes back and forth from present day to flashbacks. Flashbacks are marked; everything else is present day.  
  
Thanks to Alex for beta reading this for me.  
  
*********  
  
"What?" he snapped as he pressed the intercom button to find out what his assistant was bothering him about now. This hospital was in serious need of more competent employees.  
  
Leah was careful to keep her voice professional and somewhat curt. She had found that that was the only way to deal with Dr. Robert Romano. "You have a phone call Dr. Romano."  
  
"Tell them to call back later," Robert ordered. He was not in the mood to talk to some whining department manager. Of course, he never was.  
  
"The caller says that it is urgent," Leah informed him in a neutral tone. She really didn't care if he took the call or not but it was her job to relate messages.  
  
"Who is it?" Robert demanded as he flipped through some papers on his desk.  
  
"He says he is Dylan Gardener," she answered.  
  
Robert's hands froze. "Put him through," he ordered sharply. Seconds later a familiar voice came on the line.  
  
"We found something," Dylan had never been one to beat around the bush. That was one of the reasons that he was actually able to get along with Robert.  
  
He had been waiting for years to hear that one sentence. "What?" he demanded.  
  
Dylan hesitated. "Can you meet me in a half-hour?"  
  
Robert yanked open his planner. "Where?" he asked as an agreement.  
  
Dylan named a small out of the way diner.  
  
Robert hung up the phone and rose. "I'm leaving," he told his perplexed assistant as he walked past her.  
  
"When will you be back?" she called after him.  
  
He ignored her.  
  
************  
  
Robert climbed into his car and started the engine. As he pulled out of the hospital parking lot, his mind was filling with images; memories that had long been confined to the deepest recesses of his mind.  
  
He tried to block the intrusive memories. He did not want to see these images. He did not want the painful reminders.  
  
He savagely pushed the memories away, but as he stopped at a red light, he lost his battle.  
  
********  
  
Flashback  
  
Twenty years ago  
  
********  
  
Robert finished bandaging the badly stubbed toe. This was the part of his job that he hated. The mundane injuries that interns invariably have to tend to in the ER. He could not wait for his term in the ER to be over.  
  
He stepped out of the curtained cubical and headed toward the admit desk. He stopped in his tracks when he heard the screaming. It sounded like a child. A very loud and very angry child. He turned and ran toward the sound, as did several others.  
  
Sitting in the waiting area was a young woman with a little boy on her lap. Her head was tilted toward the boy and she was whispering softly to him, trying to calm him down.  
  
Robert slowed his steps and walked up to her. He knelt down next to the chair to look the child in the face. "Hi."  
  
The little boy turned to look Robert in the eyes. He continued to howl.  
  
"I'm Dr. Romano. Can you tell me your name?"  
  
The child did not stop wailing to answer.  
  
Robert pulled a sucker out of his pocket. "You know what? I got this sucker a little while ago but I got the wrong flavor. I don't like orange. What about you?"  
  
The screams lowered a decibel before completely stopping. The child held out his hand.  
  
Robert pulled the sucker back a little. "Do you like orange?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
Robert gave him a rare smile. "Good." He handed him the candy. "What is your name?"  
  
"Caleb."  
  
"How old are you Caleb?"  
  
Caleb held up two fingers.  
  
As he continued to speak to the boy, he studied him for injures. "What happened Caleb? Are you sick?"  
  
Caleb just stared at him. The sucker protruded from his mouth.  
  
"He fell down and cut his leg. I think he might need stitches."  
  
Robert looked up in surprise at the soft, melodious voice. He had forgotten about the woman. He met her soft caramel colored eyes. Her long, light brown hair was hanging down her shoulder in a braid. "Which leg?"  
  
"The left."  
  
Robert looked down at the gash on the child's leg. A piece of cloth was wrapped around it loosely. He stood up. "Come with me and I'll have a look at it." As he turned to lead them to a curtained cubical, he realized that most of his colleagues had dispersed when they saw that he had it under control. A few nurses had stayed to stare at him though. He scowled and they immediately departed.  
  
She sat down with Caleb on her lap and Robert unwrapped the leg. "It needs a few stitches." He stated after a moment. He could not believe that the child had screamed that loudly because of this injury.  
  
"Stitches?" Caleb repeated in a toddler voice. His eyes filled with fear at the unfamiliar word.  
  
"Stitches will make it feel better," Robert assured him.  
  
Caleb studied the doctor skeptically for a moment before nodding. "Kay."  
  
Robert stitched up the gash quickly before turning to the young woman. He hadn't really noticed how young she was at first; she couldn't be more than eighteen or nineteen. "I put four stitches in."  
  
She nodded. "Thank you."  
  
Robert smiled. "No problem. Does he always scream like that?" he couldn't help but ask.  
  
She smiled. "My brother says that he is very demanding."  
  
"Sometimes that is a good thing." He looked at Caleb. "It sure got him treated faster than he would have been otherwise."  
  
"True," she admitted softly.  
  
Robert knew he probably shouldn't do this but he was going to anyway. He couldn't remember the last time he had done something on a whim. "I was just about to take a break. Do you want to go to the cafeteria with me? We can get Caleb some ice cream as a reward for being so good while I stitched him up."  
  
She looked like she was going to refuse but then she nodded. "Okay Dr.?"  
  
"Dr. Romano. You can call me Robert."  
  
She smiled again and Robert realized what a beautiful smile she had. "I'm Natalie by the way. Everyone calls me Nattie though."  
  
Minutes later they were seated at a small table in the cafeteria. They were both sipping sodas and Caleb was eating a vanilla cone. More of the cone was getting on him than in him though.  
  
"How long have you worked in the ER?"  
  
"Only for a few weeks," he answered.  
  
She caught the tone. "You don't like it?" she asked curiously.  
  
Robert shrugged. "I'm more interested in surgery. What about you?"  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"What do you do?" he clarified.  
  
She tossed her long braid over her shoulder. It swung against her leg. "My family owns several pet shops. I run one of them."  
  
Robert raised an eyebrow in surprise. "You run your own business?"  
  
Natalie shrugged. "It isn't a big deal. My parents have been training me for this for years. I can't remember a time when I didn't go to the shops several times a week."  
  
"Your husband must help you a lot with Caleb."  
  
She laughed. Could he be any more obvious? "I'm not married." She waited a few seconds. "And Caleb isn't my son. He is my nephew. My older brother and his wife are out of town for a couple of weeks so I'm watching Caleb."  
  
Robert nodded. Not wanting to analyze why he felt so relieved. It shouldn't matter to him. He just met Natalie and she was too young for him. He was 27. He doubted that she was even 20.  
  
*********  
  
Robert shook his head as he pulled into the parking lot and found a spot. Who would have thought that one meeting would change so much? He had not wanted a relationship with Natalie. It had just happened somehow.  
  
When he went inside Dylan was already sitting at a table in the corner of the room. Robert silently sat down across from him.  
  
Dylan observed Robert. This was not the same man that he had met years before. The Robert he had met had been devastated and openly grieving. In the last few years he had seen Robert intermittently and he had become gruff and hard. Dylan supposed that he had had to in order to survive. God knew that most men in this situation would have reacted the same way.  
  
Robert took a sip of the steaming coffee that a waitress had sat in front of him. "So?" he finally demanded, impatient to know.  
  
Dylan met Robert's eyes. "We have lead." He saw the renewed pain flare in the other man's eyes. Robert had hoped for this day, but that didn't make it hurt any less.  
  
Robert had wanted this. Had waited years to hear it. And yet part of him didn't want it said aloud. Part of him wished it could all stay buried. He didn't need this bringing it all back and he knew that it would.  
  
******** 


	2. Burning Memory

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be. Please don't sue.  
  
Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Opening up the past  
  
Feedback: Keeps me motivated. My e-mail address is catgurl83@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG. 13.  
  
Author's notes: Flashbacks are marked. Everything else is current day.  
  
**********  
  
"What kind of lead?" Robert demanded.  
  
Dylan hesitated. "How much news have you been watching?"  
  
"None," Robert answered impatiently. This was the one thing he did not like about Dylan; Dylan could not just get to the point.  
  
"There is a case similar to this one going on in California right now."  
  
Robert just waited for Dylan to continue.  
  
"Evidence points to it being the same as this," Dylan waited a moment. "The FBI has taken both cases over."  
  
"You didn't think to contact me sooner?" Robert snapped.  
  
"I waited until we were certain."  
  
Robert stood up abruptly. He had to get out of here. "Keep me informed," he said shortly before walking away.  
  
Dylan watched Robert go. He wasn't surprised by Robert's reaction.  
  
No one had expected this after so many years. They had all thought that this would be one of those cases that was never solved. A case that was left open on the far-off and much hoped for chance that an unexpected lead would pop up.  
  
This was one case that they all wanted solved. It had touched most of them very deeply. Deeper than any of them had ever imagined was possible, deeper than they wanted.  
  
It had been the first big case that Dylan had worked on. He had become entangled and obsessed with it, and had hated being pulled from it when it was pushed to the back burner.  
  
He had quietly continued to pursue leads and had kept in touch with Robert. At first, he had spoken to him about once a week. Gradually, the phone calls had dwindled until they only talked about once or twice a year.  
  
During those first few months, Dylan watched Robert fade away until only a shell remained. That shell ate, drank, breathed, slept, and worked but it had no humanistic qualities.  
  
As more time past the shell withered and broke to reveal a very scarred man underneath it. The new Robert showed very little emotion. He was hard and relentless. He threw his entire life into his job and pretended that he cared about no one and nothing. Few looked past the demeanor to see the man beneath.  
  
Dylan knew that Robert liked it that way. He didn't want to have to feel, to be close to anyone, to share his pain and grief. It was easier this way.  
  
Dylan worried about what would happen when those who knew Robert found out about the past. And it was inevitable that they would; there was no way to keep the secret locked away now. All the carefully hidden and ignored secrets and demons would be yanked from their dark closets and examined in front of the media.  
  
It was inevitable.  
  
*********  
  
Robert sat in his car for several minutes. He had to compose himself enough to drive.  
  
He could not understand why Dylan's words had shocked him so much. He had wanted this. Had hoped that it would eventually happen. Though not like this. Never like this.  
  
He knew the pain, the fear, the helplessness, and finally the hopelessness when you accepted the truth. No one should have to feel all of that.  
  
Finally, he started the car and pulled out into traffic. He turned down a familiar road without even meaning to. He drove as if on automatic. His destination did not register until he was parking.  
  
He climbed out of the car and walked up the old, granite steps to the gravel walkway. He walked along the pathway for several minutes before he finally stepped off onto the grass.  
  
The scent of roses and daffodils permeated the air and filled his nostrils as he approached a spot as familiar to him as his own home.  
  
He sank down onto the damp grass, not even noticing when the moisture seeped through his pant legs.  
  
As he stared at the dark surface in front of him, his hand slowly reached out. It slowly and gingerly touched the cold surface, tracing over the letters that had long ago been committed to his memory. Each letter had burned their way into his brain, never to be extracted.  
  
Uncharacteristic tears burned his eyes as he stared down at the name on the headstone. He shook his head angrily as he forced the unshed tears back. "Why?" he demanded, not really sure if he was talking to the woman within the grave or to God.  
  
He waited as if someone was going to answer.  
  
He had done this before. So many, many times during the months following her death. He had never received an answer.  
  
They said that there was an answer for everything. But there wasn't. There was no answer for this; there was no reason. It had just happened.  
  
He had searched for the answers for months before realizing that life had no answers. Things didn't happen for a reason. They just happened because someone somewhere was cruel. Someone enjoyed tormenting them and watching them helplessly grapple to figure out why.  
  
Not him. He had decided that he wouldn't grapple for answers long ago. He didn't care. Life could do anything it wanted to him. He didn't care. He couldn't care.  
  
As he knelt before her grave, he could almost hear her sweet, melodious voice in his ears. The voice that he had instantly loved.  
  
The cemetery faded as he floated back through time.  
  
***********  
  
Flashback  
  
Nineteen years ago  
  
**********  
  
Robert stood in front of a mirror. He had never thought that this would happen. Had never planned on getting married. Meeting Natalie had changed everything.  
  
He smiled as he thought of Nattie. It had been almost a year since he met her. In that short time, his whole life had changed. Some people even said that his personality had changed.  
  
After that first day, he had known that he shouldn't spend any more time with Nattie. There were so many reasons why they shouldn't start a relationship: she was only nineteen years old; he was an intern and worked very long hours; they were from completely different backgrounds. Yet, none of those things had mattered. He hadn't been able to stop himself from spending more time with her. It was like he was drawn to her.  
  
In the next several weeks he spent almost all of his free time with Nattie.  
  
They had been dating for about two months when he met her family for the first time. At that moment he was again struck with how different she was from him.  
  
Nattie was from a large, close-knit family. She had three older brothers and an older sister. She was the youngest child and everyone was very protective of her. Many of the people he met that day were disapproving of him. They didn't think that he was right for Nattie. Only her grandmother liked him.  
  
He himself was from a small and very distant family. His parents had never had the time to be parents. Neither of them had even wanted to be parents but his father was an only child and had wanted the family name to continue.  
  
Robert straightened his tie as he remembered her family's reaction when they told them that they were engaged.  
  
Her grandmother had been ecstatic and had jumped right into wedding plans. Her mother had been disapproving but had not been very vocal because she realized that Natalie needed to make her own decisions. Natalie's father had been very upset; he stormed out of the room in anger. Natalie's brothers had also been very upset. Natalie's sister had tried to talk her out of it but obviously hadn't succeeded.  
  
Several of them had threatened to not attend the wedding. All of them had changed their minds when they realized that the wedding was going to happen with or without them.  
  
Robert's own parents had been incredibly indifferent. They couldn't have cared less. They weren't going to be at the wedding; they had other plans.  
  
Robert looked up when the door opened. His cousin, the only one of his relatives that had come to the wedding, told him that it was time for him to come into the church.  
  
A few minutes later Robert stood in front of a church full of people waiting for Natalie. His cousin Anthony stood with him as his Best Man.  
  
Subtle music started to play and the doors at the back of the church opened.  
  
Natalie's four-year-old niece Amanda stepped into the room. She was wearing a soft pink dress made of satin. The dress was very simple and understated. She carried a heart shaped basket filled with white and pink rose-petals. Her long blond hair hung down her back in a French braid; flowers had been woven into the braid.  
  
Amanda's three-year-old cousin Caleb entered the church next. Caleb was adorable in his miniature tuxedo. His hair was slicked back making him look very suave and debonair. He carried a dark blue pillow with the wedding rings on it.  
  
Natalie's sister Elisabeth was next. She was the Matron of Honor. She was wearing a dress the same shade of pink as her daughter's. This dress was cut a little differently though. It was strapless. She carried a bouquet of white and pink roses. Her light blond hair was swept up in a French bun.  
  
The music changed to the Bridal March. The guests all stood as one.  
  
Robert's breath caught when Natalie slowly stepped into the church on her father's arm. His eyes met her caramel colored ones. Both sets of eyes shone with happiness, love, and unshed tears.  
  
Natalie had wanted her dress to be somewhere between modern and traditional. It was off-white and strapless. It was made of satin and Irish lace. Tiny red roses were hand embroidered onto the satin on the bodice.  
  
Natalie's hair was swept up and a wreath of flowers lay on top of the tresses. A few tendrils escaped to hang down by her face.  
  
Her mother's diamond teardrop earrings adorned her ears. They were her 'something borrowed'. A hand tatted lace handkerchief, made by her grandmother, was her 'something new'. Her garter was her 'something blue'. Her 'something old' was a locket from her deceased grandmother on her father's side of the family. The locket held a picture from her grandparent's wedding and a picture from her parent's wedding.  
  
They reached the front of the church and her father grudgingly handed her over to Robert after kissing her cheek.  
  
Robert took Nattie's hand, his eyes still locked on hers.  
  
He continued to stare into her deep, beautiful eyes as they recited the vows that they had written, pledging their love to each other.  
  
Robert felt a tear slip from his eye as he slid the ring onto her finger. Her cheeks were damp with her own tears.  
  
Natalie felt the smile light her face when the priest pronounced them man and wife. Robert pulled her into his arms for a sweet and tender kiss. Their first kiss as a married couple.  
  
As they walked back down the aisle, Nattie noticed the scowl on her older brother's face. She didn't care. Nothing was going to ruin this day or her happiness with Robert. With time, the rest of her family would see what she and her grandmother already saw; Robert was a wonderful man, just a little rough around the edges.  
  
*********  
  
Robert wiped the tears from his eyes as he pulled himself back from that bittersweet memory.  
  
They had been so happy that day. Who could have known that it would all change so quickly? Too quickly. They were supposed to grow old together. They hadn't gotten the chance.  
  
Natalie had been his life until the savage world ripped her away from him. Until the savage world ripped his life away from him in a single devastating moment.  
  
He tenderly wiped the dust off of the gravestone and leaned forward to kiss it. He stood up and walked away without looking back at the grave.  
  
**********  
  
Author's note: Please review and let me know what you think, good or bad. This is my first ER story so I really need the feedback. Also, feedback helps keep me motivated and I write faster. :-) 


	3. Cascading Dreams

Disclaimer: Not mine and never will be.  
  
Title: Burning Memories  
  
Author: Catgurl83  
  
Feedback: I love feedback. My e-mail address is catgurl83@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG. 13  
  
Author's note: Flashbacks are marked; everything else is current day.  
  
Thanks to Alex for beta reading this for me.  
  
***********  
  
Robert stepped into the hospital and immediately headed toward the elevator.  
  
"Robert!" Kerrie called out as she hurried after him, her cane clicking against the linoleum floor.  
  
Robert stepped into the elevator and turned to face Kerrie. "Not now," he snapped seconds before the door slid shut.  
  
The elevator stopped and he stepped out. He walked quickly down the hall towards his office, ignoring the few people that he past.  
  
He walked past his assistant and let the door slam shut behind him.  
  
He sat silently at his desk for several minutes before wrenching his bottom desk drawer open. He shuffled through the papers inside until he found the picture he wanted.  
  
He stared down at the old photo as he tumbled back through time.  
  
**********  
  
Flashback  
  
**********  
  
"Come on Robert, we are going to be late," Natalie called out.  
  
Robert stared at himself in the mirror. "I'm not wearing this," he called through the bathroom door.  
  
Natalie opened the door and stepped into the room. She choked back her laugh at the sight of him. "I love it," she proclaimed as she kissed his cheek.  
  
Robert could hear the laughter in his wife of three month's voice. "Do I have to wear this?"  
  
"Yes," Natalie answered before grabbing his arm. "Come on. Caleb and Amanda are waiting for us downstairs."  
  
Caleb and Amanda were spending a week with them while both sets of parents were out of town.  
  
Robert sighed as he followed his wife out of the room and down the stairs.  
  
As they walked into the room, both children looked up. Amanda laughed out loud. "You look silly Uncle Robert," she announced.  
  
"Thanks," Robert grumbled at his wife. "Now your niece is making fun of me."  
  
Amanda approached him. "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings Uncle Robert. You look nice in a silly way."  
  
"You'll fit right in," Nattie assured him. "Besides, all of us are wearing the shirts."  
  
It was true: all of them were wearing shirts with Mickey Mouse on them. But only Robert was wearing Mouse Ears.  
  
Caleb joined them near the door. "Ill get a pair too," he offered kindly.  
  
Robert smiled at the sweet little boy.  
  
The children chatted excitedly during the whole ride to Disney Land. Robert did his best to tune out their zealous discussion about the best rides.  
  
He parked at Disney Land and he and Nattie each took a child's hand in their own for the long walk from the parking lot to the park itself.  
  
Their hands were stamped with yellow florescent ink.  
  
Amanda and Caleb practically dragged Robert and a laughing Natalie into the theme park. Caleb, who had never been there before, stood still looking wide-eyed at his surroundings. "Wow," the boy finally said in amazement.  
  
"What do you want to do first?" Natalie asked an impatient Amanda.  
  
"It's a Small World," Amanda announced cheerfully.  
  
Robert groaned. She had to choose that ride.  
  
Natalie laughed at her husband's reaction. "It isn't that bad," she whispered to him as they headed toward the ride.  
  
"Yes it is," Robert disagreed. The song would probably be playing in his head for the rest of the day.  
  
They joined the short line for the ride. A few minutes later they were directed to a boat. Amanda quietly sang along with the song as she swiveled this way and that to watch all of the dolls. Caleb sat next to Robert watching the singing dolls bemusedly.  
  
They had barely climbed out of the boat when Amanda started dragging them through the park again. This time she wanted to ride in the Tea Cups.  
  
Robert couldn't help but smile as the two children and Natalie all squealed with delight as the Tea Cup they were in spun faster and faster. They were having a great time.  
  
They walked through the park and Caleb pointed to the Pirates of the Caribbean. "I want to ride that," the little boy stated.  
  
Robert groaned when he looked at the long line. This was going to take a while.  
  
The children laughed hysterically at the humorous pirates. Natalie didn't find the ride amusing. She never had. Robert tended to agree with her. He really didn't know why this ride was so popular.  
  
They were drenched on Splash Mountain.  
  
They laughed as they watched the Country Bear Jamboree.  
  
They squealed in fake fear as they made their way through the Haunted Mansion.  
  
"Are you ready to get dinner?" Robert asked several hours later.  
  
"Yep," Caleb answered.  
  
"Okay," Amanda answered, turning from side to side so that she didn't miss anything going on around them.  
  
They found a pizza place and ordered a large cheese pizza since Natalie didn't eat meat.  
  
About half way through her first slice of pizza, Amanda jumped up. "There's Cinderella." She ran toward the Princess. Robert sighed as he followed the child. Children could be very tiring. He snapped two pictures of Amanda with Cinderella before Natalie convinced Caleb to join them. The little boy posed for one picture before running back to his aunt.  
  
After they finished eating, they continued through the park.  
  
They speed through Autopia.  
  
They climbed the Swiss Family Tree House.  
  
They rode the carousal.  
  
They laughed as they rode Thunder Mountain.  
  
Caleb and Amanda had their picture taken with Snow White, Winnie the Pooh, Donald Duck, and Peter Pan. They made Natalie and Robert join them for a picture with Mickey Mouse. Robert grumbled but he really didn't mind.  
  
Robert finally glanced down at his watch. It was getting dark. "We should find a spot on Main Street for the Light Parade."  
  
After several minutes, they found a good spot to watch the parade from.  
  
The children oohed and aahed throughout the entire show. They loved it.  
  
As the parade was ending, Amanda tried to hide a yawn but Natalie saw it. "I think that's it," she said quietly. "Time to go."  
  
"Aw, Aunt Nattie. I'm not tired," Amanda objected. She yawned again.  
  
Robert raised an eyebrow. "I think you are."  
  
"I'm not," Amanda insisted.  
  
Caleb yawned. "I am," he admitted.  
  
Natalie took the still protesting little girl's hand and led her toward the front gates.  
  
"How about we stop at a candy shop on our way out?" Robert offered in order to placate the child.  
  
Amanda thought a moment before agreeing. "I want a Mickey Mouse all day sucker."  
  
Robert was about to agree but Natalie met his eyes and shook her head. "You need to choose something else for tonight," Robert told both children. "The sucker would take too long to eat."  
  
Amanda's lip protruded.  
  
"We'll get the suckers for tomorrow," Robert put in quickly. He didn't want to deal with the child throwing a fit in the middle of Disney Land.  
  
Amanda happily chose a sucker before choosing a chocolate candy bar with Donald Duck on it for the car ride. Caleb sleepily chose the same candy as his cousin.  
  
Caleb fell asleep before they were even out of the parking lot. His head thrown back against his car seat and his still wrapped candy bar in his hand.  
  
Amanda finished her candy bar before she too succumbed to sleep.  
  
Natalie covered her mouth as she yawned; it had been an exhausting day.  
  
Robert smiled as he yanked his Mouse Ears off with one hand and handed them to his wife.  
  
"Thank you," Natalie whispered softly.  
  
"You're welcome," Robert answered. It hadn't been as bad as he had thought. He had seen many, many other people wearing the ears.  
  
"That was fun," Natalie said after a few minutes.  
  
"Yes," Robert admitted. He usually had fun with Natalie's niece and nephew.  
  
Natalie was silent for several minutes. "Have you ever thought about having children?" she finally asked.  
  
Robert thought for several minutes. He hadn't really given much thought to that question. "Not really," he finally answered.  
  
"Oh." More silence. "Do you like spending time with Amanda and Caleb?"  
  
Robert nodded silently.  
  
Natalie finally got to the point of the conversation. "I want a child," she said so quietly that he barely heard her.  
  
"A child," Robert repeated. He thought for several minutes before speaking again. "Are you sure this is the time Nattie? You are running the shop and I'm a Resident."  
  
"I'll always be running the shop," Natalie told him. "And you will probably always work long hours. If we wait, we might not ever have a child."  
  
She was right, Robert admitted to himself. "Okay," he finally agreed.  
  
"Okay?" she repeated.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Natalie leaned over to kiss Robert's cheek.  
  
********  
  
Robert wiped a stray tear away as he stared at the picture of Natalie, Amanda, Caleb, and himself with Mickey Mouse.  
  
Natalie had been so happy that day. He had been so happy that day. They had always been happy when they were together. They had very rarely argued and never about anything important. They had had as perfect a marriage as was possible.  
  
He wished that he had known what was going to happen. Maybe he could have stopped it. Or maybe he could have stopped the pain by withdrawing from Natalie. Maybe he wouldn't have had to deal with the heartache, fear, worry, and accusations then.  
  
His head jerked up when his door opened loudly.  
  
"What do you want?" he demanded.  
  
Kerrie stepped farther into the room. He was in an even worse mood then usual. "Is something wrong?" she asked.  
  
"No," he answered curtly.  
  
"Fine. I need you to sign this," she handed him a piece of paper.  
  
Robert grabbed a pen. Apparently, this was the only way to get rid of her. He signed it without even reading a word on the page.  
  
Kerrie watched him curiously. This was not the Robert she knew. He would never have signed something like that without knowing what it was. Something was definitely wrong.  
  
She stood up. "I'll be downstairs. If you want to talk to someone, let me know." She left before he could snap at her again.  
  
*********** 


	4. Sharing Memories

Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Burning Memories  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Trust me, I'm not worth suing.  
  
Feedback: Helps me think. My e-mail address is catgurl83@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG. 13  
  
Author's note: Thanks to Alex for beta reading this story for me!  
  
**********  
  
The next morning  
  
**********  
  
Robert opened his eyes and peered at the clock on the bedside table. It was 6:30. He hadn't really gotten that much sleep the night before. The guilt and memories had swirled through his mind all night. He could get no peace from them.  
  
Knowing that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep again, he climbed out of bed and headed into the bathroom. As he shaved, he remembered Nattie teasing him about growing a beard.  
  
The bittersweet memories assaulted him wherever he went and whatever he did. There was no way to assuage them.  
  
He had thought that by moving to Illinois he had finally banished them. They hadn't taken over his mind for years now. But now they were back. Worse then they were at any other time except for the first few days after the funeral.  
  
Would he ever completely escape them? Escape the searing pain that they always caused him?  
  
He finished in the bathroom and headed into the kitchen to have a bowl of cereal for breakfast. He poured milk and a liberal amount of sugar on his Corn Flakes.  
  
He took a bite and imagined Nattie's expression if she could see him. She would probably cringe in disgust and remind him that the sugar would rot his teeth. Then she'd tell him about the conditions that the cows whose milk he was drinking lived in.  
  
Robert couldn't help but smile at the fleeting memory.  
  
Who would have thought that he would have married a health nut, who was dedicated to animals' rights? Well, actually the health part maybe, since he was a doctor. But he didn't particularly care about animals' rights. He hadn't even thought much about the issue until Natalie.  
  
He finished his cereal and rinsed the bowl out before putting it in the dishwasher.  
  
The telephone started to ring and he walked toward it grumbling the entire way. "What?" he snapped irritably.  
  
"Dr. Romano?"  
  
"Who is this and what do you want?" he demanded of the unfamiliar voice.  
  
"I'm Lucy Garret with the LA Times."  
  
Robert slammed the phone down before she could continue. "It has started," he murmured as he gathered his things.  
  
**********  
  
"Dr. Romano," Leah looked up when her employer stepped into the outer office where she sat at her desk.  
  
"What is it?" he asked impatiently.  
  
"You have several phone messages," she handed him a thick stack of index cards. "The ones on top are from hospital staff, the others are from members of the news media." She watched his face carefully and was disappointed by the lack of facial expression that he exhibited.  
  
Robert dropped the messages back onto her desk and silently walked past her. He stepped into his office and firmly shut the door.  
  
He sank down into his chair as a memory overcame him.  
  
*************  
  
Flashback  
  
*************  
  
It was late Sunday evening and Robert had just finished his shift at the hospital. He unlocked his front door and stepped into the house. Several aromas filled his nostrils.  
  
He followed his nose to the kitchen.  
  
Natalie looked up at her husband as he entered the room. She gave him a brilliant smile and stepped away from the bubbling substance on the stove long enough to give him a quick kiss.  
  
Robert smiled at his wife. "What is this?" he asked curiously.  
  
"Dinner."  
  
Robert nodded, that he knew. "Why?"  
  
Natalie shrugged. "I wanted to." She usually made something quick and easy, not a lavish meal.  
  
Robert studied her. He could tell that there was more to it. Natalie's eyes were shining with happiness and mirth.  
  
A few minutes later Robert followed his wife into the dining room. He looked at the table. Nattie had set it with her great grandmother's china and crystal. The room was lit with candles.  
  
He looked at the lushes meal in front of him. He turned to look at Natalie. Something was definitely going on.  
  
Natalie waited a few minutes while they enjoyed her meal but could wait no longer.  
  
Robert watched his wife's face light up; the glow in her eyes could light a whole room. He smiled in amusement. The secret that had been bubbling just below the surface was about to come bursting through. She could not contain her excitement any longer.  
  
Natalie met Robert's eyes with hers. "We are going to have a baby."  
  
Robert stared at her for a few minutes. A baby. He stood up as elation coursed through him. He pulled Natalie into his arms for a long kiss, showing his excitement.  
  
**********  
  
Robert started when his door opened. He swiveled to see who had intruded into his quiet solitude.  
  
"Robert?" Elisabeth said softly as she looked into his anguish filled eyes. She shut the door softly and sat down across from him. "What is it?"  
  
Robert quickly opened a file and cleared his face of all expression. "Nothing."  
  
Elisabeth eyed him skeptically. He wasn't telling her the truth. She thought of how he had helped her when Mark got sick again and knew that she had to push him. She had to return the help if she could. "Kerrie said that the hospital has been receiving calls for you all morning."  
  
Robert looked up. A look of annoyance crossed his face briefly. "They've been calling the ER?"  
  
Elisabeth nodded quietly. "Why are reporters trying to reach you?" she asked after a few moments.  
  
Robert was surprised that he didn't have a cutting retort. He sighed. "I really don't want to talk about this Lizzy."  
  
Elizabeth silently debated leaving it be. "Tough," she answered. "You have to talk to someone."  
  
Robert looked into the eyes that reminded him so much of Natalie's. "It is personal."  
  
Elizabeth softened her expression and her voice. "Robert you helped me when Mark got sick and when he." she broke off. "Let me help you," she finished very quietly.  
  
Robert wanted to tell her to get out, to mind her own business. But he couldn't. He stood up. "Let's go."  
  
Elizabeth stood up. "Where?" she asked as she followed him out of his office.  
  
"I don't know," Robert answered as they stepped into the elevator. "But I can't do this here."  
  
***********  
  
A \ N: Please, please, please review! I need to know what you think. Let me know where you think I'm going with this. 


	5. Clawing Desperation

Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Burning Memories  
  
Disclaimer: They aren't mine. I'm not worth suing.  
  
Feedback: Please, please, please! It is really helpful.  
  
Rating: PG. 13  
  
Author's notes: Thanks to everyone who has been reading and reviewing this story! I'm sorry I've been going so slowly but that is how I see it.  
  
************  
  
Elisabeth stared out of the car window. Robert had been driving silently for almost a half-hour. She hadn't protested because she sensed that he needed time to get his turbulent emotions under control before he confided in her. Somehow, she knew that whatever he had to say was bad.  
  
Finally, Robert pulled the car to a stop. He looked around and discovered that he had parked in the parking lot of a nearly deserted small park.  
  
After taking a few moments to further compose himself, Robert turned to Elisabeth, who was still sitting quietly beside him, and said, "Let's take a walk."  
  
They strolled quietly for a few moments while he tried to put his overwhelming emotions into words. Tried to find a way to express his haunting past and the memories that defined it.  
  
"I was married," Robert finally said.  
  
Elisabeth stopped in shock. That was the last thing that she had expected him to say. Robert married, she mused. She could not picture it.  
  
"My wife's name was Natalie," Robert continued after they had resumed walking. "I met her during my internship. I wasn't looking for a relationship. I didn't have time for a relationship. But I was drawn to her like a moth to light. I just couldn't stay away from her. I tried to keep the relationship slow but it spiraled out of my control. We were married almost a year after we met."  
  
Elisabeth studied Robert as he spoke. The Robert she saw now was not the Robert that she knew. His face had softened and he was speaking in an animated tone. He had really loved this Natalie, Elisabeth realized with a start. No, he hadn't loved her. He had been in love with her. She had obviously been his world.  
  
They approached a bench and wordlessly sat down.  
  
Elisabeth watched the light in his eyes fade. It was replaced with more anguish than she had ever thought possible. "What happened?" she whispered softly, almost afraid of what he was going to say.  
  
Robert stared blindly out at the small pond in front of them. His voice was devoid of emotion when he started speaking again. "We were married for a little over a year when Natalie told me that she was pregnant. She was ecstatic. She wanted a child more than anything."  
  
"And you?" Elisabeth prompted after a moment of silence.  
  
"I wanted the baby," Robert answered without hesitation. "When we first discussed having a child, I was hesitant. But I could picture a little girl with Natalie's caramel candy eyes and long, silky, hair. That image filled my mind until I forgot my objections."  
  
Elisabeth watched as his eyes clouded with emotion.  
  
"Our little girl, Jubilee, was born two weeks early."  
  
Elisabeth saw him smile. It was one of the very rare smiles that wasn't cynical and was reflected in his eyes.  
  
************  
  
Flashback  
  
************  
  
"Isn't she wonderful?" Natalie stared down at the tiny baby, wrapped in a pink blanket, lying in her arms.  
  
"Yeah," Robert answered in an emotion-choked voice.  
  
Natalie smoothed a soft brown curl on the baby's head. She already had a full head of fluffy brown curls and she was only four hours old. "We need to decide on a name." She said softly so as not to wake the sleeping child.  
  
Robert nodded. They had been discussing names for months but had decided to wait to choose one until they saw the baby. Natalie had been sure that the baby would instantly show a distinct personality, which would make naming her easier. "What do you think of Joy?" he suggested quietly.  
  
Natalie raised an eyebrow curiously.  
  
"She brought us joy," Robert said simply.  
  
Natalie gave him a soft, tender, smile. "Yes," she agreed, in a near whisper. She stared down at the baby for a few minutes before speaking again. "I like the thought."  
  
"But?" Robert prompted, he knew his wife.  
  
"But I'd like something more original. Joy is overdone. I want her to have a unique name. A name she won't have to share with several children in her kindergarten class. A name that will assure her of how special she is."  
  
Robert pondered that for a few minutes. Natalie was right. But he wanted a name that basically meant the same thing. "Jubilee," he whispered the word.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Jubilee," Robert said louder, meeting her eyes. "Her name is Jubilee."  
  
Natalie gazed down at the sleeping baby. "Jubilee," she murmured. She raised her eyes back to Robert's. "It is perfect."  
  
************  
  
"Jubilee was just that; jubilant. She was happy, energetic, and exultant almost all of the time. Even as an infant, she rarely cried. When she cried we knew that she needed something. She didn't just cry so that we'd hold her," Robert went on, as he shook off the memory. "I couldn't have been happier. My life was perfect. I didn't think anything could spoil it."  
  
Elisabeth swallowed hard. She could hear the raw pain in his last words.  
  
"On Jubilee's first birthday she had a doctor's appointment," Robert continued. "Nattie wanted me to go."  
  
***********  
  
Flashback  
  
***********  
  
"I can't Nattie."  
  
"It's her one year check up," Natalie protested.  
  
Robert sighed. "I know that. I want to go."  
  
"Then come."  
  
Robert shook his head. "I can't," he repeated. "I have to work."  
  
"Trade with someone," Natalie suggested.  
  
"Natalie I can't. I can't just trade my shift with someone because my daughter has a doctor's appointment. It is just a checkup."  
  
"It is her birthday," she reminded him.  
  
He sighed again. "I know that and I wish I could spend it with her," He ran his hand through his light brown hair. "We'll do something with her on my next day off."  
  
Natalie sighed. She knew she wasn't going to win this time. "Fine," she finally agreed reluctantly.  
  
***********  
  
"I chose my job over my wife and daughter," Robert said quietly. "I should have gone with them."  
  
"Robert, we all make mistakes," Elisabeth told him. "It is tough to balance family and work. It isn't easy to decide what should come first "  
  
"After they got home from the doctor's appointment, Natalie put the baby in her stroller and walked to a popular ice cream parlor that was only a few blocks away. They had made that trip countless times."  
  
Elisabeth took Robert's hand. She instinctively knew that the next part was difficult for him.  
  
Robert stared out at the ducks floating peacefully along the pond. "When I got home from my shift, she wasn't there. I called her entire family and all of her friends. No one knew where she was. I knew the doctor so I called him at home. He confirmed that Natalie and Jubilee had been there and had left around noon. I called the police but they couldn't do anything because she hadn't been gone long enough and there wasn't any evidence of foul play."  
  
Elisabeth tightened her grip on his hand.  
  
"Her car was in the garage so I knew she couldn't have gone very far. I went down to the ice cream shop and the girl at the counter said that Natalie and the baby had been there at about one-fifteen. It was almost seven by then. I drove between the house and the ice cream shop looking for them," he stood up and started walking again. The familiar desperation clawed at his throat as he forced the sentence out of his mouth. "I found Jubilee's stroller pushed into a ditch."  
  
************* 


	6. SoulSearing Pain

Disclaimer: They aren't mine. I'm getting no monetary gain from them, just a whole bunch of enjoyment.  
  
Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Burning Memories  
  
Rating: PG. 13  
  
Feedback: Feedback is very helpful. Thanks to all who have been giving it. My e-mail address is catgurl83@yahoo.com  
  
Author's note: Just so you know, this is an emotional chapter. In fact, it is pretty emotional from here on out.  
  
Thanks to Alex for beta reading this for me.  
  
**********  
  
Elisabeth watched as Robert struggled with his emotions. She could only imagine how difficult it was for him to relate this painful incident from his past. As she waited, questions ran through her brain. There were so many things that she wanted to know.  
  
Robert continued in an emotionless voice. "I only saw the stroller because the car's lights hit it at the right angle. Otherwise, it would have been morning before it was found."  
  
************  
  
Flashback  
  
************  
  
Where the hell could they be? Robert wondered. He had driven this street and a few others close to it several times. He kept hoping that he'd see Nattie step out of a friend's house if he passed by enough times.  
  
Robert looked around in all directions as the car crawled down the street.  
  
He glanced out the window to the right. A ditch ran the length of the street. Shrubs and a willow tree lined the ditch, making it hard to see. Past all of the scraggly overhanging greenery he could make out rocks and boulders of every size.  
  
He squinted. His headlights were reflecting off of something. Whatever it was, it looked metallic. It definitely wasn't a rock.  
  
Robert pulled the car over and stepped out, grabbing a flashlight out of the glove compartment. Some kid had probably left a metal lighter out there when he was hiding from his parents. God, he hoped Jubilee never tried stunts like that.  
  
He carefully climbed down into the ditch. He picked his way toward the object in question, being careful to avoid snakes as he walked.  
  
He stopped in shock when his flashlight hit the object. It was a baby's stroller. He forced himself to go closer, assuring himself the whole time that it wasn't Jubilee's. It couldn't be Jubilee's, his mind screamed. How could it be?  
  
Ice formed in his veins as he gently touched the ragged fabric of his daughter's stroller. His mind screamed at him, trying to deny what he knew to be true.  
  
Slowly, as if in a haze he climbed back out of the ditch and walked to his car. He quickly drove home and exited the vehicle.  
  
With leaden steps he made his way to the phone. With a steady hand he grabbed the phone and dialed the number that no one ever wants to have to use.  
  
In later years, he would never remember the words that he used but whatever they were they got the police on their way. Hell, the next day, the next hour, he wouldn't remember.  
  
But other parts of the night would be forever burned into his memory. They would cause a perpetual feeling of nausea.  
  
***********  
  
Robert could feel the ragged and torn fabric of his daughter's stroller. He could feel the branches grabbing at him, reaching out to stop him, as he climbed out of the ditch.  
  
He could taste the sweat beading on his upper lip as he drove home. The salty taste of those long ago tears stung his lips and tongue.  
  
He could hear the police officers as they stepped into the house through the still open door and found him sitting on the sofa staring at the picture of his daughter on the table next to him.  
  
The officer's disattached voices still rang in his ears.  
  
*************  
  
Flashback  
  
*************  
  
"Dr. Ramano?"  
  
Robert looked up, startled at the intrusion. Two uniformed police officers stood in front of him. One of them held a note pad in his hand.  
  
"We need more information," one of the cops stated as she sat down on a chair across from Robert. She had gentled her voice hoping to get a response from the shocked man before her.  
  
Robert forced himself to nod.  
  
"Your wife and daughter are missing?"  
  
Again, he nodded.  
  
"How long have they been missing?"  
  
Robert hesitated. "I'm not sure."  
  
The officers waited for him to elaborate.  
  
"I went to work while Nattie took the baby to the doctor," Robert shook his head. "When I got home a few hours ago they weren't here. No one had heard from them," he paused before going on in a slightly accusing tone. "I called you guys but you said they hadn't been gone long enough."  
  
The officers didn't acknowledge his minor outburst. They were used too far worse than that. "When did you find the stroller?" the male officer asked.  
  
"Right before I called you."  
  
"You've called everyone in your family and all of your friends?"  
  
Robert nodded.  
  
"No one's heard from your wife?"  
  
"No," Robert forced the word past his dry lips.  
  
"You're sure it was your daughter's stroller?"  
  
Robert nodded yet again. "It had a teddy bear blanket strapped to it that Nattie's mother made for Jubilee."  
  
"What were they wearing?"  
  
The questions went on and on.  
  
************  
  
"The police officers called in for more officers after they had questioned me for what seemed like hours. Even after more police arrived they stayed with me, asking me the same things over and over."  
  
Elisabeth said nothing. She just let him say what he needed to say. She pushed back all of the nagging questions she had.  
  
"By the time several hours had passed, my house wasn't really my house anymore."  
  
**************  
  
Flashback  
  
**************  
  
His front yard, his entire street, was crowded with vehicles. There were police cars, unmarked cars that belonged to the police, news vans, and regular cars.  
  
Reporters crowded onto the front lawn. The only thing keeping them from the front porch was yellow police tape. They stood impatiently, waiting for news on the latest missing child.  
  
Neighbors loitered along the edges of their own yards, trying to see all that they could. Rumors ran rampant among them.  
  
Police officers and volunteers, some of them neighbors, combed the street and those surrounding it. They were looking for any possible piece of evidence that could lead them to the missing baby girl and her mother.  
  
The closed ice cream shop was being searched by police on the off chance that they would find something important. Its owner had been woken from a deep sleep to come let the cops in. He sat at a booth out of the officers' way, wearily sipping a cup of coffee and wondering what this would do to his business.  
  
The living room of Robert's house was filled to brimming. He still sat on his sofa but now he was clutching a mug of coffee that he couldn't force himself to drink. Several members of Nattie's family were dispersed around the room. They were all glaring at Robert accusingly. Robert's cousin Anthony had arrived and stood at the side of the room eating a sandwich. A police detective sat on a folding chair, he silently observed all of them. Other cops and volunteers came in and out of the house every few minutes, seeking instructions.  
  
An elderly neighbor who adored Nattie and Jubilee had commandeered Robert's kitchen. Even Robert hadn't been able to tell the sweet seventy-something year old no. She had a never-ending pot of coffee made for all those helping out. She also had plates and plates filled with sandwiches, cookies, sliced fruit and vegetables, and other quick finger foods. She kept telling everyone that they needed to keep up their strength if they were going to be any help. She had even taken coffee to the reporters because she was worried that they would get chilled.  
  
In the living room, Anthony walked over to Robert. "You should go change, man," Robert hadn't changed since he got home from the hospital. His trip into the ditch had ripped his shirt and a few pieces of shrubbery still clung to his shoes.  
  
Robert shook his head silently.  
  
"You'll just be in the other room. We'll get you if something comes up," Anthony assured him.  
  
Robert wearily stood up. It wasn't worth arguing. He slowly walked to his bedroom and yanked something out of his dresser. Unable to stand the memories and images that this room evoked, he went to the guestroom to change clothes.  
  
When he returned to the living room the atmosphere had changed. The quiet fear mixed with mild hope had been replaced with a buzzing, charged feeling. People were sitting on the edge of their seats straining to hear the police detective who had stepped into the foyer.  
  
Robert marched past the people in his living room. He stood just inside the foyer waiting for the two policemen in the small room to notice him and tell him what was happening. His impatience got the better of him and he snapped out a demand for information.  
  
The police detective turned to him with shuttered eyes. "We found something," he said vaguely and very quietly.  
  
"What?" Robert demanded.  
  
The detective hesitated for a brief moment, wondering how much to tell the obviously worried young man. His decision made, he spoke. "We found a bag in the dumpster behind the ice cream shop."  
  
"A bag?" Robert repeated as if it were a foreign word.  
  
"A diaper bag," the detective elaborated.  
  
"What did it look like?" Robert demanded loudly enough for the people in the other room to hear him and catch their breath.  
  
"I'm not sure. They are bringing it here. You can see it when it arrives," the detective answered.  
  
Robert moved to stand near the window as if by doing so he could somehow force the bag to arrive sooner. He was careful as he moved a blind out of the way so he could see out. He didn't need or want a member of the press to spot him.  
  
After several minutes of tensely watching out the window, Robert jumped back. He swiveled to face the door just as a young policewoman stepped into the house amid a barrage of questions from the assembled reporters. She carried a large plastic bag that obviously was concealing something.  
  
The police detective silently took the bag from her and walked over to the cherry wood table against the wall. He donned gloves and carefully extracted the contents of the bag.  
  
Robert held his breath. He silently, desperately prayed that the diaper bag inside did not belong to Jubilee. He could not begin to grasp the significance of that one fervent hope. He didn't want to. Didn't want to have to think about what that would mean.  
  
The detective pulled the diaper bag out and laid it onto the table. He heard the nearly imperceptible moan that the doctor emitted. The soft sound was filled with the utmost pain. He recognized the bag.  
  
Robert stared at the soft, cheery yellow diaper bag as he was engulfed in the horror of the situation. Unspeakable images and possibilities were filling his mind. The horrific images had taken over his mind making it impossible for him to think or speak coherently.  
  
The detective fought to remain objective and detached as he watched deep pain engulf the young doctor. As he looked between the doctor and the diaper bag he imagined how he would be feeling if it were his wife and daughter. He violently choked those images off as soon as they formed. He could not afford to think like that right now.  
  
As if in a trance Robert reached out to touch the drying blood on the band of the diaper bag.  
  
The young policewoman grabbed his arm. "Don't!" she snapped loudly enough for several people in the living room to hear her and flinch.  
  
That one word and the tone that accompanied it were enough to yank Robert out of his trance like existence. "It's hers," he said simply and very quietly.  
  
The detective nodded as if he hadn't already known. He could allow the man some dignity. With his still gloved hands, he started to bring one item at a time out of the diaper bag for Robert's identification.  
  
Robert stared at the detective's hands as he pulled the familiar items out. He nodded mutely as each item was shown to him.  
  
Nausea threatened to overwhelm Robert more and more with each item that he saw. Dread was building to a nearly unfathomable depth. He hadn't known that anguish this deep was possible.  
  
Anthony stood in the doorway unnoticed by anyone but the police detective. The detective had silently given him permission to stay. He observed the deep, soul-searing grief in his cousin's eyes, hoping with all his heart that the grief wasn't forced to multiply as events unfolded. He didn't know if Robert could handle any more of that all encompassing pain. But then, who could? It could rip you apart and destroy you in an instant.  
  
**********  
  
Elisabeth could see the evidence of unshed tears in Robert's eyes. That was the only outward sign that he exhibited; his face was still carefully masked against all emotion. She suspected that that was partially because he would not be able to hold anything back if he allowed it out at all.  
  
Her heart and soul were aching for the man. Losing a spouse was awful enough, as she knew all too well. But to lose your spouse like this? And to lose a child. She could not even imagine the pain of losing a child. Especially not like this. This was every parent's worst nightmare and Robert had lived it.  
  
She sat stiffly beside him as a tear slipped beneath her temporarily closed eyelid. She opened her eyes and gazed at him in admiration. How could she not admire him for handling this so well?  
  
Robert continued in a flat voice. "The next day a new detective took over. Dylan. He never allowed anyone to call him anything but Detective Dylan or Dylan. The police were still searching my neighborhood but they had also branched out to the rest of the area," he paused for a moment. "It was all over the news. They had several pictures of the baby and a few of Nattie that they showed over and over. Later, on the evening after they disappeared, my cousin and I went outside to talk to the reporters."  
  
Elisabeth blinked in surprise. Robert had a cousin? He never talked about his family.  
  
"By that time, Nattie's mother and father had already spoken to the press." For the first time, a bit of emotion seeped into his voice. It was bitterness.  
  
************  
  
Flashback  
  
************  
  
"I would recommend that you give a press conference," Robert's parents' lawyer suggested.  
  
Anthony studied his cousin. Robert hadn't slept since the kidnapping. Kidnapping. They had all pretty much accepted that that was what this was. Since Robert had worked the day before, he couldn't have slept in almost two days. He hadn't eaten much either. What he had eaten had pretty much been forced down him by old Mrs. Crissy from across the street. He hadn't showered and was wearing an old faded T-shirt and a pair of jeans with a hole in the knee. They did not need him going out to talk to the press right now.  
  
Robert just sat morosely. He didn't respond to the lawyer's advice.  
  
Both of the other men waited for Robert to respond. They knew that it would take a few minutes; he had been like this for the last several hours. He had withdrawn from them and everyone else. Anthony wondered if he was purposely retreating into the nightmarish images of what could be happening to his wife and little girl. Was he trying to cause himself the same pain that they could be feeling?  
  
Natalie's family had finally left hours earlier after telling Robert that it was his fault. His job meant more to him than Natalie and Jubilee. If he had put them first this wouldn't have happened. Robert had just listened silently. He just didn't have the strength or inclination to argue. All fight had gone out of him.  
  
The police had also retreated from the house. They were still keeping in close contact though.  
  
The reporters, however, were still there, camped out on the lawn. In fact, many of their cohorts had joined them.  
  
Most of the neighbors had long ago gone inside their own houses. Their interest had not diminished though. Nearly all of those who had the phone number had called. Several had 'dropped by' with a casserole because they 'knew that he wouldn't be up to cooking'. Some were still helping the police search. Many others from the community had also joined the search after hearing about it on the news. Mrs. Crissy had gone home for a few hours but was now back.  
  
Robert met the lawyer's eyes. The lawyer was his parents only contribution to this devastating event. They said that they would have come themselves but they were out of the country. Of course, they couldn't come home early. "Fine."  
  
The lawyer gave a brief smile. "Good. I'll prepare a short statement to read and then you can answer a few questions."  
  
"No."  
  
Robert's vehement tone surprised both men. He hadn't inflicted any type of emotion on his words at all that day.  
  
"I'll read the statement," Robert was back to his flat tone of voice. "No questions."  
  
The lawyer nodded in response.  
  
A few hours later Robert, the lawyer Mitch, and Anthony went outside. The reporters had been notified about the press conference about an hour before. When the trio walked out into the yard, microphones had already been set up and cameras were immediately trained on them.  
  
Mitch stepped up to the microphone while Robert and Anthony stood a few feet behind him. "I'm the Ramano family lawyer and will be acting as spokesman for them on this matter. Robert is going to give a brief statement. There will be no questions."  
  
Mitch stepped back and Robert moved into Mitch's old spot. He looked out at the reporters and cameras apprehensively. He was careful to act confident and self-assured yet also like he was upset and cared about Natalie and Jubilee like Mitch had told him. "As you know, my wife Natalie and our one- year-old daughter Jubilee were reported missing by me last night. I want to thank all of the many volunteers who came forward to help after they heard about this on the news last night. Your continued help is very much appreciated. I also would like to thank all of you who have been praying for Natalie and Jubilee along with me."  
  
As Robert turned to go back inside questions were shouted after him.  
  
"Do you believe that your wife and daughter were kidnapped?!"  
  
"Do you have any idea who did this?!"  
  
"Could Natalie have left you?!"  
  
"Are you aware that your in-laws believe that you might have had something to do with their daughter's disappearance?"  
  
Robert was startled by the last question but he fought to keep his reaction from showing. He didn't need his reaction to that cruel lie broadcast all over television.  
  
Inside the house, with the door closed, Robert whirled on Mitch. "They told the press that I am responsible for this? How the hell dare they?"  
  
Mitch calmly sat down before addressing the much younger man. "I didn't know about that or I wouldn't have had you go out there unprepared. I'm going to have to make another statement soon."  
  
Robert slammed his fist down on his coffee table. "What can we do?" he demanded.  
  
"Not much at this point," Mitch stated.  
  
"We can't sue?" Anthony spoke for the first time since coming inside.  
  
"I have to get a copy of the entire statement before I can answer that. But even if we can sue, I wouldn't suggest it," the middle-aged man answered.  
  
"Why not?" Robert demanded angrily.  
  
"The grieving husband and father suing his possibly deceased wife's parents for lying about him while they were upset? The press would have a field day and you would look callous and unfeeling while they would be considered the victims," Mitch explained to the two younger men.  
  
Anthony nodded in understanding. He could see that happening.  
  
Robert gripped the edges of an end table hard. "So we have to just let them say whatever they wish?"  
  
Mitch didn't answer. He could understand how frustrated Robert was. "I am going to arrange for an interview for you. It will help if you come across right. Plus, we have the truth on our side. The police don't consider you a suspect," Mitch assured him.  
  
Robert just stared down at the table, unconvinced.  
  
************* 


	7. Blinding Image

Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Burning Memories  
  
Chapter title: Blinding Images  
  
Disclaimer: They are mine. Not. They belong to many different people, none of them me.  
  
Rating: R  
  
Feedback: Feedback helps me think. My e-mail address is catgurl83@yahoo.com  
  
Author's notes: School starts on Aug. 14 for me. I'll try to work on this story as much as possible around my assignments. Finishing this story is my top priority when it comes to writing.  
  
In this chapter, I touch on some sensitive issues. Please don't read if you are under 17. This chapter is NOT appropriate for children. Also, some adults might not be able to handle this chapter. Please read with caution. I really did not plan on having an R rated chapter. I am sorry if anyone that has been reading this story will not be able to read because of that. I will post a summary at the beginning of the next chapter.  
  
My deepest thanks to Kristen, who betaed this for me. I really appreciated it!  
  
**********  
  
Robert had been silent for almost five minutes. Elizabeth didn't know what she should do. Should she say something? If so, what? Should she comfort him? Should she prompt him to keep going? Should she just sit here and silently support him?  
  
Elisabeth really hadn't had any idea that Robert had this type of emotional baggage. As far as she knew, no one did. He did a very good job of hiding his agonizing emotional scars. Most people just thought that he was a jerk.  
  
She had never been in a situation like this before. She had no idea how to behave. How did one treat a friend in this situation? SShe should probably act as if nothing had changed, but how?  
  
If people had looked deep enough they probably would have figured out that something painful had happened in Robert's past. After all, occasionally he did show his tender, caring side. But no one had looked that deeply. They hadn't cared enough. It had just been easier to dislike him and whine about him to others. They were all guilty of such behavior.  
  
So deep was she in her own thoughts that she nearly jumped when Robert spoke again.  
  
"For nearly a week the police and hundreds of volunteers searched the entire city as well as other parts of California." He paused for a few moments. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."  
  
**********  
  
Flashback  
  
**********  
  
Four days. Four days that had felt like a year to Robert. His wife and daughter had been gone for four agonizing, long days.  
  
Four days and they had nothing. Nothing had happened in four days. And yet so much had happened.  
  
Pictures of Jubilee and Natalie covered telephone poles, store windows, bus stop shelters, and every other available surface. Their smiling faces stared up from the cover of the newspaper. The story had been covered on every newscast in the state of California and in several other states as well.  
  
Hundreds of people had contacted the police station to volunteer after hearing about the case on the news. Volunteers had put out thousands of copies of the flier. Additional copies had been faxed to every police station in California, Nevada, and Arizona. Other volunteers had helped the police to scour the neighborhood for any sign of Natalie and Jubilee. And yet, nothing.  
  
Robert scrubbed a hand across his tired eyes. He hadn't slept since that horrible day. He was beginning to wonder if they were ever going to find them. If they were ever going to find anything.  
  
How could it take them so long ? There had to be something that they were overlooking. Natalie and Jubilee had to be somewhere. They didn't just disappear.  
  
In his mind, Robert knew that time was running out. How long could Natalie and Jubilee survive wherever they were with whomever they were with? Were they even alive right then?  
  
His wife and daughter could be dead and there was nothing he could do to help them. Absolutely nothing. He had never felt this helpless in his life.  
  
The images rolling through his mind were gut wrenching and tormenting. Were those things really happening? He just wished he knew. Knowing would be so much better than this cruel guessing game that kept him awake at night.  
  
Whenever he closed his eyes, the images overwhelmed him. They burned themselves onto the inside of his eyelids until he would do almost anything to get rid of them.  
  
He saw Nattie and Jubilee with some nameless, faceless man. Strange, he couldn't see the man's face but he could hear his voice. It was evil, pure evil. It was flat and devoid of any depth or emotion. It rang with hollow emptiness.  
  
The man's humorless laugh rang through Robert's ears as Natalie cried out in pain.  
  
He could see his beautiful, sweet Natalie begging the man to stop. To let her go. It didn't work. He just answered that he'd never let her go. At least not alive.  
  
He could hear Jubilee crying in anger, frustration, and neglect. He could picture the baby lying on the cold, hard floor wearing the same dress she was wearing four days ago along with a long-soiled diaper. Dirt, sweat, and dried blood were caked on her soft skin. Her hair was matted and unkempt. She howled in hunger and pain.  
  
Robert shook his head to rid himself of the images. This time, it didn't work.  
  
He blanched as he heard and saw in his mind's eye, the fabric of Natalie's blouse rip in two. Again, he heard Natalie's cry and the man's laugh.  
  
He clenched his fists as he imagined the man pushing Nattie back against a dirty mattress lying on the hard concrete floor of an abandoned building.  
  
Nattie's sobs filled his ears as he clamped his eyes shut tightly. He ground the heels of his hands against his closed lids, trying in vain to banish the devastating images.  
  
**********  
  
"Robert?" Elizabeth's voice rang with alarm as she grabbed his hands. " You're going to hurt yourself."  
  
Robert slowly pulled his hands away from his eyes and looked at Elizabeth. He blinked a few times to bring the blurry image into focus.  
  
Elizabeth held back her sigh of relief, but just barely. Where had he been just then? Certainly not here. What awful image had he been trying to erase from his mind? "Are you all right?" she asked, although she knew the answer.  
  
"God, Elisabeth." He nearly whispered it. "I can still see it."  
  
"See what?" She was scared that she could guess what he saw.  
  
"My worst nightmare," he answered in a soft, bitter, voice.  
  
Elizabeth waited quietly for him to continue.  
  
After several minutes, Robert went on. "Those thoughts and images filled my mind for months, years. At first, it was only when I was sleeping but then it was whenever I was alone. After awhile, I saw it all of the time. I couldn't get away from the images."  
  
"What images?" Elizabeth whispered.  
  
"Of what might have happened to Natalie and Jubilee. I could see every detail. The harder I tried to stop it, the more I saw. And I could hear them."  
  
Elizabeth could only imagine how horrifying the images he was seeing were. His expression when he was seeing them, was so filled with pain. It was as if he were blind and deaf to everything but the haunting nightmare. She had called out to him several times before he heard her.  
  
"After eight days we still had nothing. Nattie's parents went on TV." His flat tone of voice was back. He had himself and his emotions back under control.  
  
***********  
  
Flashback  
  
***********  
  
"Damn it." Robert's fist crashed down on the coffee table. He winced when he saw the scratches on the smooth surface that were caused by his watch. Nattie was going to be furious when she saw them. And she was going to see them. He had to believe that.  
  
Mitch flipped the TV off. He faced Robert. The younger man's anger did not daunt him. "I'll schedule an interview for you for as soon as possible."  
  
"I."  
  
Mitch cut Robert's protest off. He had heard it several times in the last several days and had given in every time. "You have no choice Robert. We have to counter now."  
  
Robert caught the look on Mitch's face and realized that it was pointless to argue. He knew nothing about law, whereas Mitch knew quite a lot. If Mitch thought he should do an interview then he should. Even though he was going to hate it.  
  
Robert took a step closer to the TV and put a hand on the warm surface. He glared at the blank screen. His in-laws had just concluded an interview with a well-known television reporter on a nighttime newsmagazine.  
  
They had spent the entire interview getting public opinion on their side. Who could really blame the public for believing what they had to say? Robert wondered grudgingly. They were in their mid forties but neither looked it. Nattie's mother's brown hair did not have a hint of gray in it. Hints of gray appeared around her husband's temples, making him look distinguished. Both sets of eyes shone with fear, grief, hurt, and at just the right times, anger.  
  
The first half of the interview was fine. They talked about how much they missed their daughter and granddaughter. They briefly detailed the search for them. They cried while pictures of Nattie and Jubilee were shown on a screen behind them.  
  
During the second half of the interview, the interviewer asked if the police had any leads or suspects. Natalie's mother tearfully answered that they did not. Then he asked if they had any ideas. Natalie's father looked straight at the TV and said that yes they did know who had done it: their son-in-law.  
  
Robert was not very surprised that they felt that way. The fact that they had alluded to that in the press several times during the last several days, coupled with the fact that they had always hated him, clued him in. He did not, however, think that they would go as far as to accuse him of kidnapping and possibly murder on national TV with absolutely no provocation. No, he mentally corrected himself, not murder. Natalie and Jubilee were both going to be fine.  
  
Mitch laid a hand on the haggard young man's shoulder. "I'll arrange an interview." With that, he left. As the front door opened Robert could hear the loudly shouted questions. He knew that Mitch would not answer any of them. The reporters would not care, they would just continue to call out the same questions each time they saw him. They were a very stubborn, patient, and audacious group.  
  
Robert slowly made his way into the kitchen. The phone rang as he made himself a sandwich. The answering machine picked it up on the second ring. Robert tuned the message out as yet another producer asked him to call her news station. Those people had been persistently calling for the last week. Robert had not returned any of their calls.  
  
He finally went into the guestroom and sat on the bed. He was exhausted but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. He hadn't slept for more than a couple of hours at a time since it happened. And then not often.  
  
As a physician, he knew that he needed to sleep and eat, but as a husband and a father, he felt that he shouldn't. If he did, he was somehow letting Nattie and Jubilee down. Chances were that they weren't sleeping or eating regularly, so why should he? Why shouldn't he suffer like they probably were?  
  
**********  
  
"The next day I did a television interview. I don't know how Mitch arranged it so fast. I guess several shows were very anxious to get an interview with me." He paused to take a deep breath before continuing. "The reporter came to the house along with her crew." He swallowed. "We did most of the interview in the living room but at one point we went in to Jubilee's nursery. God, I hated letting the cameraman videotape my baby's bedroom to show on national TV. It felt like we were somehow violating her. Using her as a cheap ploy for sympathy and ratings."  
  
Robert's hands were clinched into fists. "We discussed the whole thing. She actually asked me if I had anything to do with the disappearance. I answered all of her questions truthfully. Finally she asked me if I thought they were alive and if so, what I thought was happening to them." He swallowed again. "I lost it. I broke down."  
  
Elizabeth laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. It was the only thing she could do to help him. And she wanted to help him so badly.  
  
"Afterwards, Mitch told me that my reaction to those last two questions was good." He laughed bitterly. "America wanted to see me bleed. They had to see me completely cut open in order to believe that I wasn't a monster that could kill my own baby. God, what a country we live in that parents are suspects when their children disappear. The sickest part is that many parents do harm their own kids like that."  
  
Robert fell silent. As awful as the interview had been, the next day had been worse. The next day had ripped what remained of his heart into tiny shreds too tiny to ever be put back as they were.  
  
********** 


	8. Complete Devastation

Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Burning Memories  
  
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me and never will except in my wildest dreams. Even then, the only ones I want to own are Carter and Ramono.  
  
Rating: PG. 13  
  
Summary of chapter seven: Chapter seven's flashbacks picked up four days after the kidnapping and went to nine days after the kidnapping. Ramono remembered his feelings helplessness and impatience as well as what was being done to find his wife and daughter. Then he imagined what was being done to them.  
  
In present time, Elisabeth wanted to help Robert, to comfort him but didn't know how. She settled for being silently supportive.  
  
In the next flashback, Robert's in-laws were interviewed and said that they thought Robert was responsible for their daughter and granddaughter's disappearances. Robert countered with his own interview. At the end of the chapter, Robert said that he thought that the interview was difficult but that the next day tore him into tiny pieces.  
  
Feedback: Is greatly appreciated. Thanks to all those who have been giving it!  
  
Author's notes: Sorry if all of these flashback are becoming tedious. They are getting like that for me too. We are almost done with the important flashbacks and then there will be a lot fewer of them!  
  
For some reason, when I posted chapter 7, Burning Memories was removed from the ER page. It could only be accessed from my profile. I have no idea how this happened but I'm hoping that by posting chapter 8, I'll get the story back on the ER page.  
  
*************  
  
Elisabeth gently laid her hand on Robert's arm without even knowing that she was doing it. Her eyes watched his face intently.  
  
Robert was silent as he struggled for the words to explain the worst day of his entire existence. The day in which he would have gladly stopped existing if he could have. Ten days of guttural pain had ceased with a mind- numbing blow.  
  
***********  
  
Flashback  
  
***********  
  
Robert ran his hand through his rapidly thinning hair. He paced across his living room rapidly, his eyes glued to the clock. Detective Dillion had called minutes before to say that he was on his way over. Scenarios and possible reasons for the visit ran through his mind. Could they have.? No, he wouldn't go there right now. He couldn't. It would hurt too much if that wasn't the case.  
  
He stopped beside the window and pulled a blind out of his way. Nothing. How long could a trip here possibly take? Especially in a police vehicle.  
  
He felt Antonio press something in his hand and looked down to see a mug. He lifted it and took a swallow of very strong black coffee. He spit it back into the mug. "Crap." He sputtered. "This is worst than the coffee at the hospital."  
  
Antonio shrugged. "I figured you needed it strong right now."  
  
"What I need is something stronger than coffee." Robert muttered.  
  
Antonio ignored the comment as they were alerted to Dillion's presence by the reporters' shouted questions. Antonio swung the front door open just as Dillion reached the porch. With a small smile of gratitude, Dillion stepped inside. Antonio mused on the fact that he actually liked Dillion as he followed him into the living room. Dillion was pretty nice for a cop.  
  
Dillion gestured to the sofa. "Let's sit down."  
  
Robert wearily sat across from Dillion. Antonio, who sensed that this was going to be difficult, stood near his cousin. He had already called Mitch who was on his way.  
  
Dillion pursued the other man. How was he going to do this? This was the worst part of his job. Hell, it was the worst part of his life. Smashing people's hearts and lives to bits was not something that he considered to be fun or fulfilling. "We found..." Dillion finally began.  
  
Robert jumped to his feet as he impatiently interrupted the detective. "Where are they?"  
  
Dillion sighed. "Robert." The one word held a wealth of information.  
  
"No!" The word was a vehement refusal of all that had not been said.  
  
"We found Natalie in an abandoned shack several miles from here." Dillion went on, his eyes directed at a spot above Robert's head. "She had been dead for several days."  
  
Robert sank back into his chair before his legs could go out. Dead. Dead. Dead. The word echoed in his mind and rang in his ears.  
  
Robert fought to hold back the bile rising within his throat. Bile burned a course to his mouth as he saw his wife being ripped away from him. Hot tears fell from his eyes as he choked back his distaste and hatred for a man he had never met and his grief for the only woman he would ever love with his entire heart.  
  
Dillion had to keep his eyes diverted from the raw emotion playing in Robert's eyes and on his face.  
  
A word fought its way past Robert's pain to echo through his mind, through his entire body. Robert felt a jolt of hope as the word was torn from his lips. "Jubilee?" The word was a desperate plea and held every emotion that Robert was filling.  
  
Antonio laid his hand on Robert's shoulder as the name hung on the air in the room seemingly choking off the oxygen making it difficult to breathe.  
  
Dillion shook his head and saw the immediate denial in Robert's eyes. He saw the horror and anguish that followed as he forced a sentence past his dry lips. "We don't have her."  
  
Robert's head snapped back as if he had been punched.  
  
"She wasn't in the shack." Dillion clarified. Nothing in his training had prepared him to do this. That just wasn't possible. No matter what you were told about doing this type of thing, it never worked like that. You could not practice this. You could not be ready for this.  
  
Robert sat with his head in his hands for several minutes as he fought to comprehend what he had just heard. Words dueled in his brain as he tried to understand the meaning of Dillion's words.  
  
"Jubilee wasn't there?" He finally whispered.  
  
"No, she wasn't."  
  
"Where is she?" He demanded as he stood up again.  
  
Dillion stood up as well. "I wish we knew."  
  
Robert moved toward a wall of pictures. With one motion of his arm glass- framed photos clattered to the ground, long jagged shards of glass glittered on the floor.  
  
After several tension fraught moments, Robert turned from the wall. "How?"  
  
Dillion understood the simple word and all that it was really asking. "Several volunteers found the shack earlier this afternoon. They looked in through a crack in the weathered board covering a broken window. Natalie's body was lying across the room."  
  
Robert's eyes begged for more details, which Dillion reluctantly gave him. "Natalie was wearing the outfit she went missing in." Dillion went on when he saw the hopeful relief flash in Robert's eyes. "The clothes were shredded and blood splattered."  
  
"Hers?"  
  
"We don't have the DNA results back yet." Dillion hedged.  
  
"But you think so?"  
  
"Her injuries." Dillion paused. "Yes."  
  
"Do you think that Jubilee was ever at the shack?" Antonio finally spoke.  
  
"We have no way of knowing. We might know more when DNA test results come back on the hair and blood samples taken from the scene." Dillion answered.  
  
"Where is Nattie?" Robert demanded suddenly.  
  
Dillion blinked rapidly before answering. "She was taken to the hospital for an autopsy."  
  
"I have to see her."  
  
Dillion hesitated. "I'll see what I can do." He finally answered.  
  
*********  
  
Elisabeth felt a tear slip from the corner of her eye as Robert told of Natalie's death. She patted his arm a bit awkwardly with the hand still resting on his shoulder.  
  
*********  
  
Author's note: This is a lot shorter than I originally planned. I didn't want to invest very much time in it without knowing if it would even post on the site correctly. If this works, I'll post a longer chapter as soon as possible. 


	9. Numbing Pain

Disclaimer: They are mine. And if you believe that, I have some ocean front property for sell in Arizona.  
  
Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Burning Memories chap 9  
  
Feedback: Is much appreciated.  
  
Rating: PG 13 for a graphic depiction of death. If you don't think that you can handle reading this, e-mail me and I'll be glad to send you a chapter summary.  
  
Author's notes: Sorry it has been so long since this was updated!! I've been very busy with school.  
  
In light of recent events on the show, this is now even more AU than it already was. Nothing that has happened this season on the show is going to factor into this story!  
  
Thanks to Alex for beta reading this story for me!  
  
*********  
  
Cook County General Hospital, ER  
  
*********  
  
"Almost twenty years ago, in a case almost identical to this one, Natalie Ramano, wife of Dr. Robert Ramano, and the couple's one-year-old daughter Jubilee, were kidnapped from this same California town."  
  
At the name Ramano, several staff members who were in hearing distance of the television turned to stare at it.  
  
"They can't mean our Dr. Ram." Abbey trailed off as a twenty-year-old picture of Robert appeared on screen. This man was much younger and had more hair but it was obviously the same man that they all knew and worked for.  
  
"In the nearly twenty years since the murder of Natalie Ramano and the disappearance of Jubilee Ramano, who was never found, the police have had few clues in solving the crime. Few thought that it ever would be solved," a reporter went on. "Now, Sylvia Grant and her eight-month-old daughter Lark have disappeared from the same small California town. Mrs. Grant's husband, Andrew, is a doctor at the same hospital that Dr. Ramano worked at so many years ago. Yesterday, Sylvia Grant's body was found in an abandoned gas station four miles from her home. Little Lark still hasn't been found." She continued with details of Sylvia and Lark's kidnapping.  
  
"Wow," Carter muttered.  
  
Chin shook her head. "Ramano was married. I kind of feel sorry for the woman."  
  
"Maybe that is what made him like he is today," Abbey guessed.  
  
"Something like that would have affected most people," Luka said quietly, thinking about his own wife and children. Robert had gone through the worst type of pain imaginable just like he had. He should have recognized the signs but he didn't. He, like the others, had had no idea that there was something like this in Robert's past.  
  
"We've been getting calls from the media all morning," Jerry remembered. "I thought that maybe someone was threatening to sue or something."  
  
Kerry glanced around at all of them. "Enough of this. Get back to work."  
  
*************  
  
"Detective Dillon made arrangements for me to see Natalie later that day, before they did the autopsy," Robert said.  
  
"That must have been difficult."  
  
"It was but I had to do it. I had to see her."  
  
*************  
  
Flashback  
  
*************  
  
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Anthony asked Robert a few hours after they found out about Natalie.  
  
Robert didn't respond.  
  
"Robert?" Anthony said worriedly.  
  
Robert finally turned from the window. "I'm sure. I have to see her, Anthony."  
  
"Okay," Anthony reluctantly agreed as he pulled into a parking lot at the hospital.  
  
The two men entered the hospital through a back entrance and headed directly to the morgue, thankfully running into no one that Robert knew.  
  
They stepped into the large basement level room and were immediately approached by a woman who was probably in her late thirties or early forties. Her short blond hair was pulled back away from her face and she wore a lab coat. "Dr. Ramano?"  
  
Robert, whose eyes were scanning the room, didn't appear to hear her.  
  
Anthony answered for his cousin, "This is Dr. Robert Ramano. I'm his cousin Anthony Ramano."  
  
Her eyes were sympathetic as she glanced at each of the men. She was used to dealing with those who had just experienced a loss. This was different. Everyone in the hospital was talking about the kidnapping of their colleague's wife and daughter. News that Natalie Ramano's body had been found had not yet gotten out but it would before too long. Every detail leaked to the press was fodder for hospital gossip. Some were even wondering if Robert was responsible for the crime. Coming back to work was going to be difficult for him.  
  
She crossed the room, gesturing for them to follow her. She opened a door on the far wall and they all stepped through it into a small, freezing cold room. She led them to a table. "Are you ready?"  
  
Robert's eyes were locked on the covered form on the table. "Yes."  
  
She carefully pulled the cover away and then stepped back to give the grieving man some room.  
  
"Natalie." The whispered word broke from Robert's dry lips and he compulsively stepped forward. He reached out and no one stopped him as he brushed a lock of hair out of Natalie's ashen face. "Oh God, Nattie." Until now, a part of him had thought that this would be someone besides Natalie. That part of him insisted that it was all a mistake. Natalie, his Natalie, couldn't be dead. But she was.  
  
He had seen death before, so many times before. But now, looking down at his wife, all of his medical training fled. He wasn't Robert Ramano, gifted surgeon. He was Robert Ramano the man.  
  
Natalie's long hair surrounded her on the table, a tangled mess, sticky with dried blood. Her skin was ashen and incredibly cold. Her lips were an ugly shade of light blue. A dark bruise colored her cheek and blood crusted around a gash just below the bruise.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Robert allowed his eyes to travel lower. Several dark angry bruises dotted Nattie's slender neck. The bruises were the size and shape of fingerprints.  
  
A deep cut ran down Nattie's left arm and was covered in crusted blood. Both of her forearms had hand shaped bruises. Her wrists had deep, bloody abrasions, presumably from being tied together with rope. One of the fingernails on her left hand was broken down to the quick. Most of her other nails were jagged and torn.  
  
"Her wedding ring?" he asked hoarsely.  
  
"I took her ring and her earrings off. The police have them," she said quietly. Any one who could see and hear him right now would know that he couldn't possibly have done this to Natalie. He was too shocked, numb, and devastated by what he was seeing.  
  
Robert reached for the sheet but the other doctor stopped him by laying her hand on his arm. "Are you sure you want to do this?"  
  
Robert's only answer was a sharp nod as he yanked the sheet the rest of the way off. The piece of cloth fell to the ground but he didn't notice.  
  
Natalie had been wearing a long sleeved white lace blouse with pearl buttons down the front and a high collar. Now, the lose fitted sleeves were gone. The collar was still attached but barely. The blouse its self was ripped to pieces, most of the buttons gone.  
  
The satin camisole that had been beneath the blouse was gone, exposing much of her torso. Bruises and cuts covered her fair skin.  
  
Her black slacks were also ripped, the button at the waist missing. Her panties were shredded. Fingerprint bruises decorated her thigh.  
  
Dirt and blood splatters covered her sneakers and her white socks. The shoelaces were short and ragged from recently breaking.  
  
Unshed tears burning his eyes and a painful lump in his throat, Robert reached down and picked up the sheet, which he used to conceal his wife once more. That finished, he turned and wordlessly fled the room.  
  
*********** 


	10. Survival

Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Burning Memories  
  
Disclaimer: They're mine. If you believe that, I have ocean front property for sale in Arizona.  
  
Feedback: Appreciated  
  
Rating: G  
  
Author's notes: Thanks to Alex for beta reading this story for me.  
  
***********  
  
As Robert finished his story, Elisabeth fought to keep her tears back. She didn't consider herself to be an overly emotional person but Robert's past had affected her.  
  
She and Robert had always been close friends. He was one of her best friends. She realized that most of the people whom they worked with didn't care for Robert but they didn't really know him. They didn't want to take the time to get to know him.  
  
During Mark's illness and after his death, Robert was very supportive. It had been like he knew where she was coming from in a way that the others didn't. At the time she hadn't understood that but had been grateful for it.  
  
To lose Natalie had to have been horrible. She knew how it felt to lose someone whom you loved with all your heart. She had known that Mark was dying, had had time to mentally and emotionally prepare herself for his death. Robert had had no warning, no indication that something like this was going to happen before Natalie was so brutally ripped away from him. She could only imagine the shock that he had experienced at the unexpected loss.  
  
Right now, Ella was at preschool. Her class was probably in the middle of snack time, which would be followed by recess. In a couple of hours, after naptime, Ella's nanny would pick her up and take her home. She couldn't even imagine what it would be like to not know that. To have no idea where her daughter was or who she was with. That scenario was her worst nightmare. And Robert had lived it. He had lived with the worry, the questions, the fear of what he didn't know, for years. He was still living it.  
  
The signs were there. Not necessarily signs that his wife and daughter had been kidnapped but signs that something dreadful had happened in his past. She considered him a friend. How could she have not noticed the signs? Not tried to help him in some way?  
  
"Dr. Romano?"  
  
Both Elisabeth and Robert looked up in surprise at the intrusion. A scowl formed on Robert's face. A man stood before them. He was perhaps in his early thirties and looked very pleased to see them. A camera strap was slung over his neck.  
  
When neither Elisabeth nor Robert spoke, he went on. "I'm with the Tribune. Do you have a comment on the recent kidnappings and murder in California? Do you think that your wife's murderer will finally be caught?"  
  
Wordlessly Robert stood. He wanted to tell the man what he really thought. To order him to stay out of this. This was his personal pain and the pain of the woman just founds' family, not a news story. This wasn't something for public consumption. Or at least it shouldn't be. Instead, he walked past the man without saying a word. Questions were called after him but he ignored them.  
  
He had gotten plenty of practice at this years before. He had learned to block any emotion from showing on his face, in his eyes. He had learned how to ignore questions even as they tore at his soul. To not be vulnerable. He had had to learn those things in order to survive.  
  
Climbing into the car, he was vaguely aware of Elisabeth doing the same thing. In the driver's seat, she calmly inserted the keys into the ignition and started the car.  
  
As they pulled out of the parking lot, Elisabeth saw the reporter pull out a cell phone. A sigh broke past her lips.  
  
*************  
  
Damn it. Everyone was watching him. He could feel their eyes upon him. They were staring at him curiously.  
  
Unflinchingly, he met several sets of eyes for a few seconds each, wanting everyone to know that he had nothing to hide, that he wasn't ashamed.  
  
They knew everything, or at least everything that the news could tell them. They knew about the kidnappings, about Natalie's murder. They didn't know how much it had hurt him. They didn't know that he had wanted to die too, that for months the only thing that kept him going was the fact that Jubilee was out there somewhere and when she was found she would need him. As the months went by, that hope dwindled.  
  
Breaking eye contact with Carter, he purposefully strode through the ER toward the elevator. He and Elisabeth had come in this way because their usual entrance was blocked by reporters clamoring to get to him.  
  
When he reached his office, his secretary stared at him with wide eyes. She too had heard the news. He was beginning to wonder if anyone around here actually worked or if they just spent their time gossiping.  
  
Leah fought to keep a quiver from her voice at his harsh glare. It was hard to believe that he had been married. That any woman had been able to tolerate him enough to actually date him, let alone marry him. She could not imagine the gruff, curt, uncaring man that she knew actually being in love. Couldn't imagine him playing with a small child, changing diapers. "Here are your messages."  
  
Robert accepted the proffered stack. It was much thicker than usual. "Are any of these actually related to hospital business?"  
  
"A few," Leah answered hesitantly. She couldn't be sure that even the messages from hospital board members and unit heads were business related. They could be calling trying to get information on Robert's personal life. In fact, many of them probably were.  
  
Robert quickly thumbed through, yanked a few slips of paper out of the pile and then dropped it back on her desk. "If they call back, tell them to watch the news like everyone else."  
  
Leah hesitated. She hadn't gotten to be his assistant by being faint-of heart. She wasn't generally scared of him, and could handle him relatively well because of that. But this was different. She was walking a fine line on this subject. "What should I tell the reporters who call?"  
  
Robert turned, just a couple of steps from the door to his office. He faced her with a harsh expression on his face. "Tell them that they can go to hell for all that I care," he practically snarled before escaping to the refuge of his office.  
  
Damn it, he hated this, he thought as he sank into his chair. He hated being vulnerable, being weak. Hated people knowing his business, his weaknesses, his pain. For years, he had been able to hide it, block it out, keep everyone from knowing.  
  
He could handle it if something good would come of it. If this whole thing would bring his little girl back to him. Restore his Jubilee, his happiness to him. But that wasn't going to happen.  
  
For the first several months after Natlie's death he clung to the hope that he'd get Jubilee back. He'd given up that delusion. He wasn't going to get Jubilee back. Wasn't ever going to know what had happened to his daughter. He probably didn't want to know anyway. Chances were that Jubilee was murdered too.  
  
It was easier not knowing, not having to deal with it as anything more than a possibility. He didn't want to know how it had happened, didn't even want to imagine it.  
  
Seeing Natalie in the morgue like that had been bad enough. God, it had been the worst moment of his life. But to see Jubilee, his baby, he didn't think that he could have handled that.  
  
He opened the locked drawer on his desk. Slowly, he withdrew a picture. Natalie held their daughter in her arms, facing her. Jubilee was seven months old in the photo. Natalie was making a funny face at the baby, who was laughing.  
  
The framed photo slipped through his fingers to land on the ground. The frame shattered into a million fragments, just like his life had twenty years before.  
  
***************  
  
tbc 


	11. Confiding

Author: Catgurl83

Title: Burning Memories (11\?)

Disclaimer: Characters, locations, and events recognized from the show are not mine.

Feedback: Always much appreciated.

Rating: G

Author's Notes: It's been close to seven years but I'm back. It's my goal to finish this story by June. Fingers crossed.

Thanks to Jessalynn for taking over beta reading this story!

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Elisabeth paused outside the door, suddenly feeling hesitant. For the last few hours this had seemed like a good idea, but now she wasn't so sure. There were times when it was appropriate to provide active support to your friends and family members. At other times it was more appropriate to provide passive support and give your loved ones space.

Leah, Robert's secretary, had done a good job shielding him earlier in the day. Twice she had come by and both times Leah had informed her that Dr. Romano was not accepting calls or visitors. Elisabeth had had to listen to more than one complaint over the sudden closed-door policy. And not for the first time that day had she felt a pang of sympathy for Leah. Now that the secretary had gone home for the day it was up to Elisabeth. "To disturb or not to disturb, that is the question," she murmured softly.

"Mama?"

Startled out of her thoughts, she looked down at her four-year-old daughter who was gazing up at her questioningly. "I'm sorry Ella."

"Okay?"

"Yes sweetheart, mama's okay." When her daughter still didn't look convinced, she gave her a bright smile. Turning back toward the door, she took one last deep breath and pushed her hesitancies aside, knocking firmly on the door.

For a full minute there was no response and she began to wonder if Robert had managed to slip out of the hospital. Though the gossip churning through the place insisted that he hadn't stepped out of his office since he'd shut himself in that morning. She rapped against the door again and within seconds heard Robert yell out. With a grin she pushed the door open. "I don't think I will go away. Next time you want privacy you really should remember to lock your door."

Robert spun around from his spot staring out the window. His sarcastic retort died when he caught sight of Ella. He forced a weak smile. "Decided to bring in reinforcements Lizzie?"

"Actually, Ella and I are about to go home for dinner. We were wondering if you'd like to join us."

"Feeling sorry for me like everyone else in this hospital? I don't need your pity. I'll call for fast food delivery if I get hungry."

Her eyes widened at his abrupt change from half friendly to barely civil. As he turned his back on them once again, she considered leaving. Maybe he'd be more amiable tomorrow after he'd had a full day to readapt to this case being an active part of his life. She looked down at her daughter, ready to tell Ella that it was time to go. Before she could speak, Ella had dropped her hand and skipped across the room.

"We don't have to cook if you want take out." Ella grinned. "We can order pizza. That's my favorite." She glanced back at her mother accusingly. "I don't get it very often but if you want it mommy will get some."

Robert glanced down at the child now standing beside him smiling brightly. She looked so hopeful and sincere. So happy, so _jubilant_. His eyes dropped closed. "Fine."

Elisabeth absently squeezed the small hand her daughter slipped into hers, meeting Robert's eyes. "Meet us at our house in a half-hour? You remember how to get there?"

He nodded silently. Was it too late to back out? One look at Ella's expression and he had his answer. Years of perfecting his persona, his shield of ice, and it was cracked so effortlessly by a preschooler. He was losing his edge.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Ella carefully laid her plate in the sink and turned to look at her mother. "Nooow can I have my candy Mama?"

Elisabeth nodded. As Ella ripped the wrapper off of the bar she met Robert's eyes. "If she has a sugar rush and refuses to sleep I'm blaming you."

"Hey, I had to bring something. It would have been rude to come for dinner without a hostess gift."

She arched an eyebrow. "I make the house payment. Wouldn't that make me more the hostess than Ella? A bottle of wine is much more customary."

"I didn't have any wine tucked away in my office and the hospital vending machines don't sell it, sorry. Maybe next time." He grinned at Ella. "Besides, the kid _is_ my hostess. Your invitation was refused Lizzie. And she's a good kid; she deserves a break from your health nut ways occasionally."

"I feel that this is a good time to remind you of the career you chose."

Before he could respond, Ella ran back up to him. "Do you want to watch a movie? I have lots. My favorite is Beauty and the Beast but Lion King is good too and Little Mermaid. I know all of the words to the songs. Do you?"

Robert silently shook his head even though he doubted that she noticed or cared about the answer. She'd already begun speaking again.

"Or we could play a game. I have Memory with funny doggies. I want a real doggy but Mama says now isn't a good time. I have Candy Land too and Shoots and Ladders." She gasped. "But you haven't seen my room yet. C'mon you have to meet my dollies and animals. They like meeting new friends."

Elisabeth bit the inside of her cheek to keep back her laugh at the cringe on Robert's face when Ella grabbed his hand with her chocolate coated one. To his credit it was gone within a second, before Ella could notice. He stood up, his expression almost fearful as Ella dragged him toward the doorway; she finally lost it, tears streaming down as the laughter bubbled out.

Robert paused long enough to shoot her his sternest glare before dutifully following the little girl still tugging at him.

Nearly an hour later Robert dropped down onto the sofa in the living room, gratefully accepting the mug of tea Elisabeth offered him.

"I did warn you about the sugar."

"When parents say their children are hyper active I've never pictured that. Who would have imagined it's possible to talk that fast and still be intelligible? The candy definitely won't be king sized next time."

_Next time_, Elisabeth thought with a hidden smile. He hadn't caught his own words or he'd be backtracking. He was obviously much more comfortable than he'd expected to be. "Even as a toddler she could talk 'a mile a minute', as Mark put it. The only difference was that we could only understand about a fifth of the words she used. We had to fake it with the rest. I don't think she ever noticed."

"Jubilee used to do that too. She'd jabber for a minute and than look at Natalie and me expectantly as if waiting for our response. Nattie was better at it than I was. She'd smile encouragingly and say something like 'really' or 'do you think so'."

"I miss those couple of years." She smiled reminiscently. "Not that I don't still love my time with Ella, but the first two years or so are special. It's the cuddly loveable stage before independence and attitude decide to show themselves."

"So do I."

Elisabeth winced. "Robert, I'm sorry. I should have been more careful. I wasn't thinking."

He managed a weak smile. "It's okay. You're right; the first year is special. Remembering it brings up more good feelings than bad ones. On bad days I'll pull out some of Jubilee's baby pictures. At times I can feel her in my arms, so soft with tufts of hair tickling my arm and her sweet baby smell filling the air." The smile faded and he met Elisabeth's eyes. "There were so many memories that I didn't make. Times I could have gotten up at night with her but let Nattie do it alone or when I left her in the baby swing while I read medical journals across the room. Extra shifts I took in order to spoil them with things when I should have been spoiling them with my time. I wish I could call a 'do over' and start from the beginning."

The urge to say something, _anything_, to ease his pain even the slightest bit gnawed at her, but the right words wouldn't come. Were there right words in this situation? Even if she could think of something, she doubted he'd hear her.

He was pale, so pale, staring vacantly ahead, lost in thought. No, she corrected herself, lost in memories. He was clutching the mug so tightly that she was afraid it was going to shatter.

Slowly, hesitantly, she stood. Before she could talk herself out of it she took the few necessary steps and sat beside him. Gently she peeled his fingers away from the mug and set it aside. His hands dropped to his thighs, fingernails digging in.

"I try to wake up from this nightmare but I can't," he said softly. "I'm one of the families you see on TV and turning the channel isn't an option."

Like she always had, she thought guiltily. She thought about how many people quickly turned the channel when a story like Robert's came on, praying like hell that they'd never be in the same situation. Or cockily believing that it couldn't happen to them. She was so caught in her own thoughts that she nearly jumped when one of his hands covered hers.

"Don't give regrets room," he said huskily. "Ella is the most important thing in your world, the _only _important thing. She comes first. Over everything."

She nodded, swallowing. "Always."

"Mama?" Ella called from the stairs. "May I have some water?"

"Like now," Robert said, releasing her hand. He stood. "Thank you. For everything. I needed this." He approached the steps. "Goodnight Ella."

"'Night. See you soon?"

"Yes sweetheart," Elisabeth jumped in when he hesitated. "You'll definitely be seeing Dr. Robert again soon."

He nodded barely perceptibly, carefully locking and closing the door behind him.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Robert drove aimlessly around the city before finally pulling into the garage at his apartment complex. He was relieved to find that only the doorman was in the lobby.

"Good evening, Dr. Romano."

"Not really James."

The man cringed. "I'm sorry sir. I'm sure it's not." He went to the desk and withdrew a large unsealed envelope. "You have had quite a few visitors today. Many of them chose to leave notes. I promised to give them to you, though I will warn you that most of them are from the press."

Robert accepted the envelope and then immediately dropped it into the trash can next to the desk. "Tomorrow you can tell any reports that come by that I've instructed you not to accept messages."

"Yes sir. I'll leave a note for the other shifts as well."

Robert gave him a curt nod and headed toward the elevator. When he stepped into his apartment he noticed without surprise that his answering machine light was flashing rapidly, indicating he had new messages. The tape was full. Scowling, he pressed the play button and then allowed his finger to hover over delete.

After the first several messages, all quickly deleted, his cousin Anthony's voice filled the room. "You know, having your piranha of a secretary order your only close relative to stop harassing you is quite rude. Lucky for you I have thick skin. Also lucky for you, I'm a workaholic and have plenty of vacation time stored up. My flight lands tomorrow morning at ten. Since I doubt you'll be an accommodating host and pick me up from the airport, I've booked a rental car. Unlike you, I'm up with the times and have a cell phone instead of just a pager." His voice softened. "It'll be on all night. If you need me Robert, call."

"I guess I can add making the bed in the guest room to my to-do list," Robert said aloud. "So presumptuous." Yet he couldn't stop the small smile that insisted on forming or the niggling question of what his cousin would think of Elisabeth.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''


End file.
